i can do this.
i am having some severe anxiety problems this morning. my heart is racing, my hands are shaking. i feel sick to my stomach. all of this because i thought about dan before he pulled himself together. the him that maybe lurks under his flesh, waiting to reappear, or secretly smokes and posts about it on music forums and jerks it to camwhores and does the minimal amount of effort for everyone involved. this monster doesn’t exist today, but i have created his likeness in my mind and he follows me everywhere. once in a while i wake up like this, inconsolable and alone.
I started to write a letter to myself detailing all of the things that have been bothering me about my family, thinking it might help to clear my head. I had to stop—seeing these things laid out in front of me was sickening, and just looking at them started to break down the protective wall I put up just to function day to day. I can’t wait until I am in a position to take care of myself and to put to rest many of the demons that haunt me every night.
Unbidden, the idea that I am missing something outside my limited scope of vision comes to me. In the middle of the day, when the minutes drag on and on I am at once beckoned by sleep and restless with the idea that somewhere someone’s heart is beating with the same pulse as mine, that out there is a person whose existence could change my world in an instant if I could only lay my eyes upon them, whose existence has already changed me as I lay here knowing they are alive. Is the latter enough, just an idea of an idea? Can I be assuaged by that knowledge and take comfort in the truth? Or must I be doomed to yearn for them as they may yearn for me, unable to communicate with anything but a disconnected dream?